Perception

I think one of the most infuriating thing about being bipolar and growing up with it is, that no matter what you do you are always stuck in other peoples perceptions of you. For me my family will always see me as my teenage self or my young adult version of me.

It isn’t fair that no matter how far I come in my recovery from this illness, no matter how happy I am, people always see me as angry, mean and doing despicable things.

I remember me as a teenager, a ball of anger, seething with disgust. My family didn’t understand me and this made me angry. It was always why can’t you be like your sister or why can’t you be normal, why are you so angry. All of it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. School didn’t help either. Rejected by any boy or not fitting in with the other students.

Now I struggle in my adult life trying to repair that damage. It is so difficult to look in the mirror and say you are enough. But I do it. I do EFT tapping to it. It is so engrained in my being. But no matter what I will never stop trying to let go of that feeling. One day I know that the damage will not affect me. One day I will look in the mirror and know my worth.

And no matter how much growing I do, the people in my life still see me as that person. Angry. If I am happy it is “are you manic?” or if I am angry “did you take your meds?” It is a never ending cycle.

So where do I go from here? I just keep growing and learning to love myself. To keep telling myself that I am enough just as I am. And FUCK what they think. I’m 40 years old and it is about time I stop giving a fuck what others think about me. If I wake up and choose to be happy then I am happy, not manic. If I do get angry and I will, then so be it. It’s time to step into my power. To be someone that protects my inner child and inner teenager. It is time to be who I am destined to become. It is time to vibrate a high frequency. It is time for all that and so much more.